2022-23 State Reporter Cali Newdigger Delivers Retiring Address
Just Fine
“I heard your grandma passed away. How are you doing?” “I’m doing fine” “Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear the lady that was upset about her messed up order. She even wanted to talk to the manager. Are you okay? “I’m fine” “Did your friends really make plans in front of you and not invite you? “It’s fine, I guess.” Even though we may answer these questions with “just fine”, that doesn’t mean we are fine. In fact, more than likely we are not “just fine.”
These two simple words have become the basis of the Midwestern response to anything pertaining to the way we feel. We find it easier to brush over how we truly feel than to grant someone access to some of the seemingly darkest parts of us. The moment we start being honest with ourselves and others is the moment that these clouds of darkness begin to break, and slivers of light start to shine through. This light fosters from the rise of the emotional weight we force ourselves to carry. Now we might be wondering, what does emotional weight mean? It’s the emotional challenges that we experience and how we respond to those challenges. Whether it’s the fear of disappointment or the feeling of not being worthy of the life you live, this emotional package can take a toll on our well-being. This decline in our well-being is otherwise known as mental health issues. They come in many shapes and sizes and not one is like the other, but it can affect us all. The CDC states that mental health affects what we think, feel and do and ultimately affects the way we handle stress, relate to others and make healthy choices. Talking about this topic is challenging and may be triggering for some individuals. However, it is our intention to shed light on this topic to create awareness and combat the stigma.
Imagine, a five-year-old, hair in pigtails, wearing her favorite pair of cowgirl boots while sitting in her kindergarten classroom. She struggles to focus on basic addition or subtraction, learning the letters in the alphabet, and the five senses in science. Actually, she can’t focus on anything, but she really doesn’t feel different from her classmates. After going to a doctor a few times, she now gets to go to the school nurse every morning to take medicine and get a sweet piece of candy. Although she thought she was the same as her peers, she learned that she wasn’t going to the nurse just for the candy, she had been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder more commonly known as ADHD as a five-year-old. This little girl noticed the small differences between her classmates but didn’t understand why her strengths were different. This feeling progressed and got stronger over the years, to the point that she began to ask herself “Why aren’t you good enough? Why is school so hard? Why does no one want to hang out with me?” These thoughts that were once whispers gradually became loud, screaming voices in her head that continued to shrink the positive thoughts. This cloud of negativity surrounded her with darkness making the positive things in her life that once provided light dimmer and dimmer. Until, at age 14 she had questioned so much that she wondered if the world would be a better place without her. You probably have guessed by now: that girl is me.
On November 12th, laying in a hospital bed, listening to the beeping of monitors, and watching doctors come in and out of the room. I caught myself reminiscing on the most regretful decision I have ever made in my life. When negative thoughts, some of the same as the ones I had at age 14 overcame my mind, I wasn’t just fine. Sitting alone in my dorm room, I questioned if the world would be a better place without me which led me to taking a harmful amount of medication. After the decision I made I realized I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t want to feel the pain of all the things I kept telling myself. Some of my best friends saved my life that night including Morgan, who told me that “it’s okay to not be 100% all the time.” Avery, who showed me people can come unexpectedly into your life and make some of the biggest impacts on you, and Kyle, who reminded me that we are still worthy of being loved even through the hard times.
We may be thriving, just surviving or somewhere in between but regardless of where we are on that scale. We are connected by the blue corduroy jacket. For those of us who are just surviving, there is hope. For those of us who are thriving, we are called to ease the path for others to thrive. We are their hope. Kansas FFA, are you thriving or just surviving?
Our answer to this question will vary over time as well as our role in being the hope in other people’s lives. What is most important is that we acknowledge that this blue jacket connects us all. We are tasked with reaching out to our peers with a sense of empathy and compassion to ensure their ability to thrive. We are called to raise each other up from surviving to thriving.
I pray that none of us will experience an extreme low similar to mine that forced me to question my existence, but no matter what, we have a responsibility to the people around us to make them feel loved and cared for. We must pour into the lives of others and be the light in their never-ending darkness. If we have felt anything similar to the experiences we have discussed today, don’t let the stigma placed on always being “just fine” keep you from seeking help. Each of us has the opportunity to let someone pull us out of darkness. Each of us deserves the opportunity to stop the negative shouting in our brain. Each of us are worthy of living a life that isn’t clouded by darkness.
Whether you are the person that tells people you are fine and just trying to get by or you just know of someone that is surviving each day, mental illness impacts us all. If you see someone just trying to get by, be persistent in reminding them they are worthy, loved, deserve to get help and most importantly do not give up on them. Although we might not be able to truly heal someone, it’s a difficult path to pull ourselves out of the darkness. When we replace the “I” with “We” illness becomes wellness and together we can break the stigma and save someone’s life. Kansas FFA, don’t just survive, THRIVE.“
